6/2/2016 8:42:10 AM

My creativity comes in cycles, ebbing in and out of different modalities, usually in keeping with the seasons.

In the fall, every year, I have a huge creative outpouring of paintings. I can barely keep enough paint and canvas around me to feed this demand, and my husband inevitably looks at a mounting amount of canvases he will need to stretch for me with a weary eye. This painting cycle continues through into the  winter. Mostly I feel the need to take a small break during the Christmas holidays when I use a lot of my creative energy for decorating the house/tree/and enjoying extra time with family and friends. Again through the new year months I am brimming with ideas and usually have multiple canvases going at the same time.

Sometime in the spring though, I inevitably get the pull to work on creating a landscape outside. I feel like my garden is a place where I paint with flowers, foliage, shades of nature. I love to garden, despite my strong dislike of the feel of dirt on my hands, and bugs, and the grueling nature of the work. I began to love it gardening the first time I moved into a house that had no landscape at all, just dirt and some patches of clover. In my mind I began to see it as a living breathing landscape, one that I could use the same skills of an artists to create. Similar to my paintings, I use a limited color pallet in my garden, I create in layers, with shades of colors and textures from different plants. Now, every spring, I feel pulled to this work, and I rarely paint during that time. I find that I have a limited amount of creative energy as well as time, in every day, and my work in the garden seems to use both up during the spring. As summer rolls closer, and the garden is planted for the season and I have added some new layers, I once again return back to the studio. Working more consistently and slowly through the summer months, when I can, around summer activities with my children. 

Having read books on creative energy that suggest that you must use and call upon your creative energy everyday in order to build upon it, I used to worry about my cyclical painting practices. However, along my journey of being an artist, and learning to trust my instincts,I came to understand my self, to understand that my inspiration is not on demand, it is not to be called upon daily for the same thing time and time again, it is important that I follow my own path, that I care for my own love of all types of visual creativity and that I honor the natural  course of my year.

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2/5/2016 11:45:37 AM

We have a new kitten...

A kitten who could climb my canvas paintings, who could jump onto my desk while I am painting and walk through all the paint, a kitten who could attack my brush and hand as I work, a kitten who could rub against, and paw at all of my large paintings as I work on them because they are well within her reach, and if they were not in her reach, she is a cat who can climb and jump, making everything in her reach.  My studio has no doors to shut, the kitten always follows me in and will have to be my new painting companion.

This is new to me, in terms of a sharing my studio space with a cat, but not new in terms of sharing my studio with other small creatures with the potential to create disaster while I work. I have three children, all of whom have shared my studio space while I worked. I have worked around their naps and care, around activities and school. They have happily watched or played near me while I work. They all understood the boundaries of what they were not allowed to touch and I never encountered any problems with them around.

Now, I have a kitten. She does not to my knowledge understand English so how can I explain to her not to touch anything in my studio. I can not give her her own art supplies so that she may create happily next to me, I can not set her up with some little toys to play with, nor does she nap in another room. Instead she follows me around and watches curiously.  So far, she has been a sweet addition and seems to have some understanding, the way my babies did, that this was important and not to disturb it... she usually watches for a bit then curls into a ball near my feet and sleeps.  I do hope it lasts, because otherwise I am in for a whole new challenge...

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11/19/2015 9:56:19 PM

When I paint, I generally don't know consciously what is under the surface of my choices. Sometimes, however, due to a certain question regarding my work, or a circumstance in my life that makes me reflect a bit deeper, I can see the underlying feelings in my work more clearly. Certainly, I know this to be true about the scale of my work. In a moment of vulnerability, I can see that I struggle with feeling invisible, small, and untethered in a world where I was never a person who fit in anywhere quite comfortably. From my earliest memories as a young girl all the way to my present days, I have felt like an outlier in the world, like I see the world differently than others around me, like others see me in a way I don't understand, where I either am or would prefer to be unseen.

I usually would prefer to cover these feelings, and rarely would even admit them,  and certainly most days I can. I am, after all, happily married to a person who loves me wholly,  with whom I do fit, and I have three children with whom I  feel like the most authentic and full version of myself.  Still, under my surface, lies  difficult feelings of invisibility and uncertainty about my connection to the world at large. Thankfully, in my artwork, I am given a chance to create something that is unapologetically free, that can't help but be seen, that can be bold, and make an impact... in a way I never felt I could.

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11/12/2015 4:48:44 PM

I was at an art show the other night, and I was speaking with one of the artists about his journey from graphic design to his current work on canvas. We were both sharing about having began painting with the expectations of what an "artist" is... and of not really creating work that we really loved until we let go of those expectations.

For me, when I began painting, I held the notion that to be artist I had to "prove" that I could faithfully represent realistic drawings and landscapes. So, all of my early work was of traditional landscapes,  and all strived for perfection in looking "real." The inherent  problem in this was that, while I can really appreciate that style, I don't generally want  to hang it on my own walls.   Let's face it, creating artwork in a style you are not passionate about, or wanting to hang on your own walls,  is not particularly inspiring.  At some point I finally realized I needed to give attention to what I was drawn to. Not surprisingly, quite the opposite of realism and smaller work, I had always been drawn to large, textural, somewhat abstract paintings. It was not until I began to let go of my fear that I would not be seen as a "real" artist,  and gave attention to what kind of art I  visually loved, that I ultimately started on my own path to create what I loved. Only then, did I actually want hang my paintings on my own walls, and to brave showing them to the world.

With time, it felt easier, more comfortable,  to know myself as an artist, ...I now know that I enjoy painting in a very large scale, textural,  heavily glazed layered style. Usually my work is abstract but with some hints of structure that I learned in my early work with landscapes. I almost always use a very limited color pallet for each painting. This results in an impactful, yet calm piece, no matter the color.  I was never going to be an inspired master at painting small realistic landscapes, primarily because I did not enjoy it, and how was I going to spend the hours and hours needed to become great at something I did not enjoy... Or, more importantly, why would I want to?  At the beginning, knowing my own direction did not feel easy...it felt terrifying to let go of expectations of what an artist should be. How would I "prove" I was an artist if I was not showing that I had drawing and painting skills through realistic work?  Letting go of my self imposed expectations was an equally difficult and important step in my evolution as an artist.

The truth is, some will like my work, some will love it, some will appreciate the skills all the while not loving the style, some will hate it, some will not care at all... because no matter what style of artist you are... that is the truth for all art. It is subjective, and everyone has their own preferences.... So, I figured I may as well paint what I love ...

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11/9/2015 5:01:57 PM

When I am in full painting mode, my studio obviously gets messy. However, I have a limit to how much messiness I can maintain creativity within. For me, the studio needs to maintain a semblance of rustic beauty in order for me to paint... because I am inspired by a beautiful space.  Any more messy and I shut down, clean it all up and start over. I have known other artists however who can not create in a clean space, they find it too limiting.  I am curious about the differences between artists' studios, and  the process by which we each find our creative space....

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11/3/2015 1:27:24 PM

Painting is not where my challenges lie... I love the creative process. I could happily paint for years without trying to sell
 my work. That....is my inherent problem. For one thing my paintings are extremely large and would fill our home to overflowing. For another thing, I do love it when people buy my work, I just don't love the act of "selling" my work.  I am in fact quite a cliché of an artist's spirit in that regard.  I have therefore found  the immense  value in getting help from people who actually are skilled in "selling" and marketing.  Thankfully we all come into this life with different skills and passions, because I am so grateful to have the guidance of people who possess different skills than my own...

A certain wonderful friend in my life (ECG, you know who you are) is dripping with all the talents I lack and has been helping me re-launch myself here. Not only is she talented, but generous of spirit as well, and I am beyond thankful to her for her help, watching her do what she does is amazing to me to watch, and I am left with the time I need to paint... love...

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11/2/2015 6:12:47 PM

I wrote a while ago  about the initial difficulty of calling myself of artist, about the challenge of beginning as a new artist... Now, it seems, I get to travel some of those old paths again.  Re-establishing  myself as an artist, after moving across the country, has proven to bring up certain truths.

One truth is that, as a mother, my children came first. So, upon moving them away from all their friends and family, most of my energy went, by choice, into helping set up a new home, a new life, and a new normal. And, as I have been looking around, I see that they are and have been quite settled, for a while now...

Another truth is that while my husband is the main financial provider in our family, and has to daily hold the space of full time work out of the home as well as providing love and care for our children... I am the full time provider of all needs and all things for our family, and my hours are full time, literally. All day, All Evening, and All Night. 

A third and important truth is that has been easy for me to hide behind the full time needs of motherhood.   Re-establishing myself here, in a new city, as an artist, has not been a pressing need, and I have let it slide.  But there is a new normal here for everyone in my family already, except me. So, it is time, past time really...

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2/7/2013 12:15:49 PM

My family and I are gearing up for a big move from Seattle to Upstate New York and I have spent much time planning and thinking about to make the transition easier for our three little ones and trying to assure we have a wonderful home ready for us to move into. What I have neglected is the best way to transition my art making process. In hopes of being efficient, I have been trying to pack up anything I can in order to make this a smooth and organized move...However, I have really noticed a lower energy from the lack of creativity in my daily process. I was feeling like it did not make sense to paint any new pieces that I would just have to pack up and move anyway...but I had forgeten the effect of not painting or doing anything creative has on me...so I think I will just resume painting and find a way to make it work...
Being really organized just won't be worth it if I can't paint...miss it too much...so much for well laid plans...sometimes they are plans just not so well laid...

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12/6/2012 1:45:35 PM

As some of you may know, and others will now, I am not a big fan of "working out," because it feels like a chore...however, when I am working on a large painting, I don't mind the yoga postures I must entangle myself in to get it done.  Because I often paint such large canvases and I like to be able to exert pressure on the canvas I like to paint on a flat surface, which at this time means taped to our kitchen floor. I work down the canvas on my hands and knees, but invariable there are always spots I need to rework that are up higher where I already painted, in the middle of the canvas, out of reach, and I have to get really creative to reach them without touching any of the wet paint.  This results in strenuous core balancing so I don't fall flat on the wet painting, it would ...I believe...make most yoga teachers proud...however, in the moment I don't even notice it(though I feel it the next morning).  If you asked me hold such a pose in a workout I would be feeling every terrible second of it.  The difference for me is that when painting I am in a Zone and enjoying every second...sadly I can not say the same of a workout...maybe someday...or not..  

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12/5/2012 1:31:49 PM

"Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step."  Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.  I find this true often in life...even if it feels hard sometimes.  In my art process I have to rely on this because sometimes I don't even know how or what I am going to do.

This painting "Natural Light" came about because I was "practicing" some color combinations for another piece that was commissioned. I ended up loving the underlayers and worked it into this final piece, which I then loved.  Sometimes something comes from just playing around or just doing something, even without clear knowledge of where I am going...

"Natural Light" 48" x 62", by Kaileen Burke

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